The Hidden Driver Behind How Much We Share
For anyone who prefers listening to reading, this AI-generated audio (created with Google NotebookLM) offers a gentle summary of the key ideas in my blog.
Have you ever found yourself sharing more about yourself than was ever asked? Almost as if something inside says, “If I don’t share… will they still be interested? Will we still feel connected?”
I caught myself in this the other day.
My 14-year-old had a moment she had been working toward for months. She does artistic swimming, and she needed a specific score to qualify for nationals. Most of her team had already qualified. She hadn’t. Not yet. So she got to work. She asked us to take her to the pool before school to practice. She created her own stretching routine at home. She stayed committed, quietly, consistently. And then, at her final qualifying competition, she did it.
The moment she came out of the pool, there was no searching. No looking up at the stands. No “Did you see me?” or “How did I do?”
Just this: “I’m so proud, mom. I wanted this so badly… and I did it.”
It was all there. The pride. The joy. The fulfillment.
From the inside.
There was nothing I needed to give her. No validation required. I simply got to witness her. And that felt like more than enough.
And Yet… I Noticed Something Else
She wanted to share the news with the people she loves.
And suddenly, I felt something stir in me. A question:
If this came from such a deep, intrinsic place… why the need to share it? Was it still pure? Was it still “enough” on its own?
So I asked her. I inquired. I got curious. And just like that, I realized something. I wasn’t really asking her. I was projecting my own journey. Because this is something I’ve been working through myself.
I’ve always valued being present, curious, and deeply interested in others. It’s something that comes naturally to me, especially in my coaching. It feels like coming home to who I am. And yet, in my personal life, I’ve noticed moments where I share, even when no one has asked. Sharing my highs. My lows. My experiences.
And when I really sit with it, I can see the thread underneath.
A quiet fear.
If I don’t share… will they ask? If I don’t offer it… will there still be connection?
But life has shown me something different. There are people who are genuinely interested. Who want to know. Who ask. My husband is one clear example of this for me.
So, as usual, the question wasn’t really about my daughter. Was she sharing from joy? From connection? From wanting to be seen? The truth is I don’t need to fully know. What I can do is share my experience. Name my own patterns. Let her feel into what is true for her.
And then… trust.
Because sharing can come from many places. From fullness. From joy. From wanting to connect. And sometimes… from fear.
The invitation is not to stop sharing. It’s to become aware of what’s driving it.
It Doesn’t Just Happen At Home
This shows up just as much in other places, like the workplace.
You’re in a meeting. You’re asked a simple question. And instead of answering it directly, you start expanding. You add context. Then more context. You explain your thinking. You justify your decisions. You try to make sure nothing is misunderstood. Before you know it, you’ve said far more than what was actually needed. Not because you don’t know the answer. But because something underneath is saying...
“Is what I’m saying enough? Will they trust me if I keep it this simple? Do I need to prove this a little more?”
I recently listened to Jefferson Fisher speak about this in an interview, and it landed deeply. He shared how we often talk far beyond what was asked, and in doing so, we actually lose credibility. Not because we lack competence. But because over-explaining can signal uncertainty. As if what we’re offering isn’t quite enough on its own.
And when we pause and look a little deeper, it’s rarely about the question itself.
It’s about worth.
Do I trust that what I’m bringing is clear, valuable, and enough? Or do I feel the need to add more… just in case?
The practice is simple, but not always easy.
As Fisher so eloquently advises:
“Answer what was asked. Pause. Let it land.”
And trust that your voice, just as it is, carries weight.
A Small Pause
If you notice yourself sharing more than what’s been asked, pause for a moment and gently explore:
What’s going on for me right now?
What’s driving this?
What am I hoping will happen when I share this?
What am I afraid might happen if I don’t?
Is there a feeling I’m trying to avoid? Disconnection? Being unseen?
No judgment. Just awareness. And this doesn’t only show up in what we say. It shows up in how we give.
Over-explaining to be understood.
Over-helping so we feel needed.
Over-checking in so we feel close.
Over-extending so we feel valued.
Different expressions. Same root.
A longing for connection.
The shift isn’t about doing less. It’s about relating to ourselves differently in those moments.
Trusting that connection doesn’t have to be earned through over-giving.
That being ourselves is already enough.
And sometimes, the deepest connection comes not from how much we share, but from how grounded we feel in simply being.
