A Personal Story
Ask yourself,
Would you rather be married to your belief system, or be more connected with your child?
The past couple of weeks brought to light a belief (or rather, a "limiting belief”) that both my husband and I apparently share very strongly.
Our family was ready and excited to leave on what we knew would be an amazing trip with our daughters. Little did we know we’d have to cancel it all at the very last minute due to some health concerns that were out of our control. It was a bummer for sure, and it left us at home with no planned activities or schedules.
What were we going to do?! To our surprise, even though the situation was unfortunate, both our daughters actually welcomed the free time with great delight!
It only took a couple of hours for our oldest, and very schedule-oriented daughter to lay out her full plan of how to fill all these newly unscheduled days. Our younger daughter, on the other hand, went straight into “chillax” mode. By “chillaxing,” she meant waking up way later than normal, then laying on the couch or in the sun to read her book all day, until it was time to curl up in bed and do it all over again.
She wanted max relax time.
On our first day “off,” we were onboard with “finally having some time to chillax,” as my daughter said. It actually sounded great, and much needed for all of us.
But by day two, our daughter’s lazy days clearly began to bother both me and my husband. And by the third day, we had made it very clear that this wasn’t working. She absolutely needed to pick something to do. “Chillaxing” all day wasn’t going to work in our family.
As you can imagine, this resulted in a very upset girl. In hindsight, I can also see that it also resulted in a missed opportunity for us to really connect with our daughter in that quiet time. Instead, my husband and I both got upset with her, then started blaming ourselves for not lining up activities for our daughters the second we found out our plans had to change. Why hadn’t we taken charge of the situation?
Yikes!
“What just happened?”
The fact of the matter is that both my husband and I feel great discomfort inside of us when we’re not constantly in “doing" mode. We’ve always shared the feeling that if we’re not active in some way or another, it means we’re wasting our time and not respecting ourselves. I know, I know. That's not actually accurate. But, it’s a limiting belief that we’ve both always latched onto.
That’s not to say that we haven’t tried to be more flexible in that belief. We constantly work to be more intentional about pushing ourselves to just “be.”
But, when it came down to it with our daughter in that moment, we didn’t even realize until after the fact how strong the ties to that limiting belief actually were. Those old beliefs really hold onto us, deep down in our subconscious!
And so, those beliefs bubbled quickly to the surface, and led us to ignore the wants and needs of the child right in front of us.
Now, at first glance, one might argue that having children at home doing "nothing" isn't necessarily a good thing, for a number of reasons. It might prevent them from facing typical challenges and learning experiences that come from socializing, sports, or being outside in nature. Some may worry that being “bored” could hinder the development of important resiliency skills needed in life.
And this is all valid. However, our daughter happens to be a very active, playful, and engaged 11-year-old. She’s normally involved in various activities and social interactions, stays busy with our family obligations, and isn’t interested in much screen time. In other words, she’s a kid who was expressing that she could use a break!
In reality, she likely would’ve “chillaxed” for only another day or so before that amazing creative brain of hers took over. Who knows? Maybe she would’ve added painting or drawing to her “chill-out” schedule. Because research has shown the beauty of downtime, and the great benefits that can come when we give our minds a break.
But, instead of recognizing any of this, we let our “limiting belief” get the better of us. We missed out on an opportunity to understand our daughter’s needs in the moment. With my husband’s newly diagnosed health condition, our daughter was in the middle of processing some big, scary information. We all were! And yet, we weren’t being mindful of how she needed to do it. In that moment, her body, brain, and heart just needed to “chillax.”
And so, I invite you to remember that uncomfortable or negative feelings can actually be very helpful in parenting. They can alert us to go inward, instead of lashing outward. Because our kids are constantly triggering a range of emotions inside of us. In those instances, try to have the mindfulness to pause and take a curious look at our own feelings and beliefs. This is a great place to start, and a good chance to reframe the conversation and connect at a much deeper level.
And not just with our kids, but with our own needs, too!
When you feel yourself is starting to get triggered, I encourage to try this; Pause and ask yourself these simple questions:
What am I believing to be true in this moment? Identify the belief
What’s most important to me about this? Find out why this belief exists in first place
What role should my belief play (if any) in the current situation with my child? Connect to the present moment.
You might be amazed by what you discover.